The Science of Cuckoldry and the Hotwife
By sex therapist & relationships counselor Susan
After studying human sexuality for many years it has
become inarguable to me that a cuckold relationship
(in which the wife engages in sexual activity with a
variety of men while her husband remains faithful) is
most compatible with basic human evolutionary make up.
It is straying from this evolutionarily grounded human
bonding relationship that has produced such misunderstandings
and conflict between the sexes.
At the very base of this principle is the understanding
of a woman's psychological need for a variety of sex
partner's. Psychologically, women are hardwired differently
than men. A woman has a dual sex drive. The first is
centered on finding a mate for life to help support
her and her offspring. This is why (and when) love is
such an important part of a women's sexual desire. The
second is a desire to obtain a variety of the best genetic
material to produce the best children. This second desire
begins to grow once a woman has found her life mate
and grows stronger as time with him progresses. Eventually,
this later and more powerful drive overpowers her sexual
desire for her life mate. This is why a woman's sexual
desire for her husband diminishes over time. At the
same time her sexual desire for other men is increasing.
Often this desire for other men becomes so strong she
cannot deny it. This does not make her immoral or mean
that she no longer loves her husband. It is simply part
of her genetic code.
Physiological sexual differences between men and women
also support the cuckold relationship as the ideal for
marriage. It is well known that women don't reach her
sexual peak until they are in their thirties, while
men peak by the time they are twenty. In a typical marriage,
a wife is generally younger than her husband or the
same age. As a result, a woman's increasing sexual appetite,
do to her biologically age based sex drive, gives her
greater sexual needs than her husband. She needs more
sexual encounters, longer sexual encounters and more
orgasms than her spouse. Her older or same age husband,
on the other hand, wants sex far less than his wife,
oftentimes lasts only a few minutes before he reaches
orgasm and then, no longer interested in sex, leaves
his wife unsatisfied and frustrated. As a marriage continues
this discrepancy in sexual needs increases dramatically,
usually to the breaking point of a wife secretly finding
a lover or lovers outside the marriage.
Compounding this is that nature has not only given
women a two prong and exponentially stronger sex drive
than men, it has also given women the ability to experience
a far greater quantity, intensity, and variety of sexual
pleasure and orgasm than men. This is nature's way of
motivating a woman to seek out sexual activity considering
the risk she bears in doing so. (Even though today's
contraceptives greatly reduce these risks, they do nothing
to diminish the internal triggers that drive a woman's
need for a variety of sex and sex partners. If anything,
this reduction of risk intensifies her drive to seek
As a result, women can experience a wide range and
intensity of sexual pleasure and diversity of orgasm.
Besides the pleasure and orgasms derived from manual,
oral and coital stimulation of a woman's clitoris, all
three of which feel distinctly different, a woman can
reach a completely different sensation of pleasure and
a completely different orgasm from the stimulation of
her g-spot by a well endowed man. A woman can even reach
orgasm by proper stimulation of her nipples if she has
been brought to a state of intense clitoral arousal.
Stimulation of her nipples and clitoris at the same
time will give her a yet another unique intense orgasm.
Her ultimate height of pleasure is found in oral or
manual titillation of her clitoris while simultaneously
having her g-spot stimulated. It is interesting that
this is best accomplished by the use of multiple sexual
partners, suggesting nature's preference for male, female,
male couplings. Finally, the crowning pinnacle of a
woman's sexual superiority is her ability to have a
multiple orgasm and full body orgasmic experiences.
Men, on the other hand, are far simpler sexually. Stimulate
their glans (the little patch of skin at the front of
the penis just below it's head) and they ejaculate.
Furthermore, men can get nearly the same level of satisfaction
from masturbating as the do completing a sex act with
a woman. For women, masturbation will give them only
temporary relief. Women need to have sex with a partner
to be fully satisfied, especially psychologically.
The male also has a much simpler sex drive than a woman.
He simply wants to mate with any female he finds desirable.
The longer he is denied sex, the stronger his desire
grows and the criterion by which he finds a woman desirable
lowers. Since it is the woman who decides if he will
be allowed to have sex with her or not, his desire for
her sexually is also linked to the desire for her approval.
As he becomes more interested in her the desire to please
her as a way to get sex can become overwhelming for
him. That is why you will often see men acting foolishly
in front of females they desire, even though they have
no chance to have sex with them. That is also why, once
married, a man will begin to take his wife for granted;
now that he has easy availability of sex from her, she
becomes less desirable to him.
One might think that this is a good argument for having
an open marriage in which both a wife and her husband
find sexual partners outside their marriage. Interviews
with couples in open marriages have shown that these
marriages almost always lead to a competition between
the two spouses regarding who is having more sex with
more partners. A wife will always win this competition
because it is much easier for a woman to find sexual
partners than it is for a man. The competition, however,
can become nasty, ugly and often cruel. A wife will
sometimes be drawn into the competition so deeply she
will have sex with far more men than she wishes too,
and her husband will have growing feelings of inadequacy,
as he cannot keep up with his wife. This kind of competition
almost always destroys a marriage.
Furthermore, the idea of open marriage assumes the
erroneous notion that men need a variety of sex partners.
While all evidence indicates that a married woman both
physiologically and psychologically does need a variety
of sexual partners, a married man does not. The genetic
code that drives a man is the thrill of pursuit, not
the need for variety. Husbands in clinical studies who's
desire for their wives have waned and who's interest
have turned to other women have been completely turned
around when their wives begin using arousal and denial
techniques on them. These techniques instill uncertainty
in the husband as to whether he will be allowed to complete
a sex act with her or not. Time after time, in study
after study, these husband's desires have been focused
back to their wives exclusively, losing all interest
in other women. The wives in these studies were even
able to vary their husband's level of interest through
increasing or decreasing their application of arousal
and denial techniques. It was further found that when
these same wives reverted back to traditional sexual
practices with their husbands, their husbands began
to loose interest again and began to again look at other
women as possible sex partners.
Interestingly, it was during the sexually repressive
Victorian Era that an unusual mix of cuckoldry and the
sexual arousal and denial of males was employed. It
was believed at that time that many ills were caused
by excessive male ejaculations. They believed that loss
of sperm contributed to a whole host of maladies, from
asthma to mental illness. As a result, chastity devices
were often prescribed for men. This practice was so
prevalent that over two hundred patents for male chastity
devices were applied for during this era.
Conversely, at this same time, it was believed that
women suffered hysteria from lack of sexual release.
Orgasmic therapy was prescribed for the treatment and
prevention of female hysteria. Women would visit their
doctor, or the doctor would come to a woman's home to
manually, or in secret, by more intimate means, deliver
her orgasms. Most often it was married women who requested
this therapy, often as much as three times a week. Some
doctor's journals noted that the demand became so great
that they had to delegate these visits to their interns.
A structured practice of female sexual satisfaction
and male denial grew quickly. Women had a lot of leisure
time and spread the word of the benefits of orgasmic
therapy and spousal chastity through the popular women's
societies prevalent at the time. Since men could not
be trusted to have self-discipline, their wives were
usually given the keys to their chastity devices. A
kind of secret society developed in which these wives
called themselves Key Holders. Key holding wives would
deny their husbands sex while they enjoyed the services
of their physicians and their physician's interns or
secretly engaged in sex with other men. Within these
women's clubs women introduced other wives who were
unsatisfied with their husbands, to recommend chastity
for their husbands and treatment for hysteria for themselves.
Doctor's finding a man's wife desirable would also prescribe
the same in order to gain access to her.
Some woman's journals discovered from this time period
tell of their exploits with doctors, interns and other
available men. The jest of the mailman and milkman delivering
more than mail and milk are very well rooted in fact.
It is interesting that a whole society developed around
wives having sex with other men while denying their
husbands who had to remain faithful to them. It is not
uncommon to find entries in a wife's journal such as
"I had a wondrous day today. After a most satisfying
visit, for both myself and Doctor Elbridge's young intern,
I spent a delightfully entertaining evening raising
my poor husband's lustiness near to its pinnacle during
this time that he must abstain from loosing semen. His
antics were most amusing and raised my own lust. As
always, he proved his devotion to me by pleasuring me
in a most deliciously French way.( Mine will be the
most scrumptiously naughty story of any lady tomorrow
Another journal tells how excited one wife was that
she had her husband doing housework, an unheard of practice
at a time when male and female roles were so rigid,
illustrating again how arousal and denial of sex can
totally alter a man's behavior. Other journal entries
tell of the rise in attention from their husbands and
the thrill of sneaking around behind their husband's
back and having sex while their husband was "locked
in his cage."
While diagnosing the damage done to women by denying
them the fulfillment of their sexual needs may have
been falsely labeled hysteria, the doctors of Victorian
times were startlingly near the mark. Victorian doctors
had insightfully identified the need women had for sex
with a variety of men.
Unsurprisingly, since human societal structures were
originally matriarchal, societies that still live today
in ways closer to our original female and male roles
do not suffer from the damages of psychological and
physiological stress. These more basic societies, far
from the modern world, are nearly always matriarchal.
It is the women in these societies who control property,
family affairs and sexual activity. These women will
usually have multiple husbands and lovers. One or two
of these men provide them with food, shelter and security,
while the others provide them with sex. Male, female,
male couplings are not only accepted, but quite normal.
In some societies, certain "stud" males will
exclusively service a wife, in others, wives will share,
exchange and even trade stud males. Men in these societies
are happy in their subordinate roles to women. While
there are some incidents of jealousy, there is no violence,
crime, or sexual perversion. Men are focused on pleasing
their wives instead of impressing other women in the
group or competing with other men, except in the area
of being good sex providers. Wives will keep this competition
light and fun and ongoing. Men focused on this kind
of competition do not compete with each other in other
ways either, leading to much stronger male/male friendships
An unlikely place further confirmation of the appropriateness
of cuckolding in human bonding relationships was discovered
in the findings of primate studies. In one study, researchers
found two anatomical influencers of fidelity in primates.
One was the physical size difference between the sexes.
The other was the male's ratio of penis size to body
It was found that in those species of primates where
the female was considerably larger than the male, the
female would have many sexual partners and bond with
none. As female/male size became closer, the female
would bond with one male. This male would remain faithful
to her, but she would continue to have sex with non-bonded
males. It was found that this was not reversed until
the male became extremely larger than the female.
The second influencer the researchers discovered was
the ratio of penis size to body mass. In species where
the difference in physical size between the sexes was
slight, (as it is in humans) the penis to body size
ratio increased female dominated sexual behavior. The
smaller the penis to body size, the more bonded males
were restricted to activity with only their mate while
females would engage in sexual activity with a variety
of non-bonded males. Within these groups, females would
generally bond with males with smaller penises and engage
in sexual activity with better-endowed, non-bonded males.
The most common activity between females and their mates
was grooming and eating, with the far greater amount
of sexual activity occurring between mated females and
males other than their mates. Neither mated nor non-mated
females would engage in sexual activity with bonded
males who were not their own mates. The most frequent
sexual activity of bonded males was masturbation.
This study particularly intrigued me because it's findings
correlated so closely with my own experiences. I have
assisted many couples in beginning and maintaining cuckold
relationships. Among my patients, husbands with smaller
penises were not only more agreeable to being cuckolded,
but would even sometimes suggest it. These very enlightened,
lesser-endowed, husbands were keenly aware of their
inability to satisfy their wives sexually. By accepting
their wives engaging in sex with other men they were
relieved of the pressure to perform.
It makes sense that this behavior would be present
in humans since humans are primates whose difference
in size between the sexes is slight and men's penises
are very small when compared to their body mass. Also
interesting is that women, like other primate females,
will rarely engage in sex with married men. A husband's
wedding band makes for a fairly efficient chastity device..
A wife's wedding band, however, does little and sometimes
even encourages pursuit by men. This further illustrates
that the innate human proclivity for cuckold relationships
goes genetically even deeper.
Our modern morals and the female/male roles imposed
on us by society are not only aberrant behavior given
our genetic make up, but psychologically unhealthy and
morally unethical. It is unfair that a woman is forced
to repress the powerful sex drives that are so genetically
imbedded in her psyche. Most married woman simply can't
do it. It is uncountable today how many wives are having
sex with other men behind their husband's back because
our society cannot accept a woman's natural needs.
At what point did we move from a matriarchal to a patriarchal
society that perverted our male and female sexual roles?
We have so inverted out ideas of human sexuality that
we have come to believe that women have a lower sex
drive than men when the reverse is true. We think that
men should be free to have sex unbridled, when it is
women who should be freed and men bridled. We have created
a society in which women struggle with guilt and frustration
over their natural sexual needs while men are obsessed
with perverted sexual deviations from far too great
an access to far to great a variety of sexual stimuli
Just as our modern lives preventing us from responding
to our need to express our flight or fight response
leads to stress, and our turning from whole foods to
processed foods give us all sorts of physical ailments,
our denial of our natural sexual programming leads to
untold emotional and behavioral problems. It would startle
the average person to learn how many divorces are caused
by the inequity of a woman's unfulfilled sexual needs.
In an effort to protect the man from humiliation it
is rarely mentioned in polite society that the reason
for a couple's divorce was because the wife was finding
sexual satisfaction outside their marriage. If we could
be open and honest about a women's needs, and that it
is not the fault of their husbands that they need to
fulfill those needs outside their marriages, then maybe
we could begin to embrace cuckoldry as a healthy societal
norm and save far more marriages..
I have saved many marriages in my practice by gently
introducing the idea and practice of cuckoldry to struggling
couples. I have seen in my own female patients that
once they start to engage in sex outside their marriage
with the acceptance of their husbands and the security
that their husbands will remain faithful, they become
more centered, calm and confident. Similarly, once their
husbands get past their jealous feelings and fear of
inadequacy they become calmer and more mature, no longer
engaging in childish behavior like nights out with the
boys or an obsession with sports. They even loose their
interest in pornography as their wives recounting of
their extramarital exploits, or their participation
in those exploits, becomes much more titillating to
them than the artificial titillation of pornography.
When my female clients add the uncertainty principle
of arousal and denial to their cuckold marriage a woman
can bring her husband back to the days when they were
first dating. Husbands become more focused on their
wives and no longer suffer the frustrating feelings
caused by a desire for unattainable women
Cuckold marriages can evolve into a great variety of
preferences. In my own practice I have seen cuckold
marriages that range from those in which cuckolding
wives enjoy subjecting their husband's to humiliation
and punishment, to those in which wives will have sex
with other men in front of her husband as a form of
entertaining them, to just about everything in between.
Most couples in my practice, however, have very loving
marriages with playful arousal and denial that seem
conventional in every way except that the wife dates
while her husband remains faithfully hers.
It is regretful that the cuckold relationships of Victorian
times could not have evolved into an open way of life
accepted by modern society. It is my hope that one day